I'm a bad blogger. I had meant to get back here to wish you all Merry Christmas before we hit the road for the holiday, but I was up to my eyeballs in baking and present wrapping and packing and it just didn't happen. So, in the spirit of 'better late than never', I hope you all had a Merry Christmas!
This year has been centered around the constant, vicious cycle of getting my hopes up, having them dashed, then getting them up again. Cycle after cycle after cycle. Even Christmas fell into that cycle too. I really got into it this year, I was filled with anticipation much like I was when I was a kid. I don't know what I was expecting, but whatever it was, I don't seem to have gotten it because I'm definitely feeling the post-Christmas let-down this year. It doesn't help that everything lined up just right so that it was entirely possible that I would get a very special Christmas present this year. I couldn't help but let my imagination wander to what it would be like to wake up Christmas morning to two pink lines...just like a kid dreaming of what they're going to find under the tree. I think a big part of it was that I was really looking forward to being with my family for Christmas this year (we alternate year to year since our families are in different states). It was the first time I'd be seeing them since the miscarriage, and I guess I was hoping to get a little bit of the comfort from them that I would have liked to have had when it was happening. I imagined I'd get an extra special hug from my mom when I saw her or something. I didn't get any of that. It wasn't like it never happened, but it kind of was. No one asked me how I'm doing. They asked if we were trying again, but not how I'm doing. As if I'd had the flu, and gotten over it, and that was that. Why doesn't anyone ever ask you how you're doing?
<sigh>
The thing is, for me, it always comes back to this. I can't get away from it. I can't stop hoping and I can't stop remembering, and I can't stop feeling disappointed - even on Christmas. Especially on Christmas.
3 comments:
Im sorry hun. I think your feelings are completely natural. I think its a good thing to stay hopeful rather than the alternantive. I also think people are scared to bring up your loss. It was like that with my family. They dont know what to say. bringing it up. They may think itd be hard on you to bring it up. (hugs)
Whoops sorry I dont know why it says bringing it up in the middle of my comment
I know how you feel. I either get people saying inappropriate things or not saying anything at all. I kind of wish they would say something, even if it came across inappropriately, I would almost rather them attempt to say something. KWIM? Hugs hun.
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