You're invited!

It took a little bit, but my new blog is up. I'll probably stop using this one (or at least write in it a lot less, as if that were possible), so I'd like to invite you all to join me at http://lostinprocreation.blogspot.com/ Thank you all for reading this blog and for your comments and support. It has meant a lot to me. I hope you'll follow me to my new blog - I'll be much more faithful about writing in it!

Some days are harder than others.

Today was one of those days. I got out of bed okay, but getting ready and getting to work was soooo hard! I spent all day at work feeling sad and distracted. My boss even said to me when I came in today that I looked kind of 'fuzzy'. I felt kind of fuzzy. Out of focus. Not really there. I think the next couple of weeks are going to be harder than I had thought, and I had thought they'd be pretty hard. :/ I don't know what's affecting me more right now, the one-year anniversary of our loss, or finding out that we have to do IVF. I'm just having such a hard time accepting it. I know it could be a lot worse, but for some reason my positive side isn't jumping on the bandwagon for this one. Maybe once we figure out how we're going to pay for it, and what clinic we're going to use I'll feel better. I'm just struggling with it all right now. I'm so angry at the world. I want to kick and scream about how unfair this is. It is unfair! It's truly unfair that any of us have to go through this. That people who so badly want to be parents, and who would be really great parents, aren't able to have children on their own.

Ugh. I want to kick the universe in the shins. That might make me feel better.

Not all anniversaries are to be celebrated

Mother Nature sure likes to kick you while you're down, doesn't she? Today is the one year anniversary of our one and only BFP, which was apparently some kind of miracle. When we went through the subsequent loss, I never though in a million years that a year would go by without me being pregnant again. All that crap that everyone tells you about being more fertile after a miscarriage, or more fertile after going through the delight of having an HSG done (that was in sarcastic font), or my favorite line 'at least now you know you can get pregnant'. All I know is that I was pregnant, for two precious weeks I was. But a year has gone by and I have no baby, I'm not pregnant again, I have not been pregnant again...and the little voice inside my head asks will we ever be pregnant again?

Peestick addiction cured.

I was at the grocery store tonight and made my usual diversion to the peestick aisle, as I've always done at every grocery store, drug store and big-box store for the past year and a half. I spent a couple of minutes looking at what was on sale, which were pink dye versus blue, and then it hit me. There's no point. I turned and headed for the checkout line.

A new chapter...a new blog.

We got huge news yesterday. Life-changing news. The kind of news where you go get coffee afterwards so you can sit calmly until you absorb it enough to be able to think and talk again.

We can't get pregnant on our own. It's just not going to happen.

Our only option if we want to have a child of our own is to do IVF with ICSI. That's it. No IUI, no more good old-fashioned trying, just hardcore medical intervention, or a hardcore miracle.

I'm still working through all of this in my head, but one thing that I feel is certain is that I want to start a new blog. This one has always been sporadic and somewhat undefined and not quite anonymous enough to get into specifics. But this feels like something that I want to document in a blog specifically dedicated to the experience of being diagnosed with MFI and going through the IVF process where I can be honest and brutal. I need a title though! I can't think of one to save my life and I desperately want to get started! I'll post a link to it as soon as I have it, in case any of you want to follow me there.

Thanks for all of your support the past several months. Even though I never quite got into the habit of blogging regularly, I have enjoyed the little bit that I've done.

The circle closes

Today is CD1. After all that's happened in the last year, I've ended up just one day off from last year's cycle that started July 1. That's the cycle that I got pregnant (kind of). The other night I made a joke to my husband that maybe he and I are like pandas and can only get pregnant one month out of the year...

You know you've been TTC too long when...

...you don't even get excited about testing anymore.

I'm 11dpo today and tested this morning - looked at the BFN, shrugged, and threw away the test. I didn't even obsess over it. It was my last test in the house and I don't plan on buying any more.

Go ahead - add your own!